THE DOLLPORT TIMES

– Dollport's Oldest and Greatest Newspaper –

DGN News (Satire)

August 24, 2014

Obama Adds Alpha Channel to Public Television In Bid to Improve Government Transparency

This move was long sought by activists who feared PowerPoint had made govt. transparencies a thing of the past, but critics lament the channel's colorless content and lacks visibility in most major markets. ¶

Isis Declares war on ISIS

In hieroglyphics posted online yesterday on a highly-read jihadi internet stella, the ancient Egyptian deity appears to have threatened the terrorist club with "unthinkable tortures in the underworld" for "identity theft and hating my guts." ¶

Ebony Virus Overwhelms Wood Treatment Centers

The virus is turning ordinary backyard trees into the valuable hardwood at an alarming rate. "It's terrible," one woman told us, "Yesterday there was this big oak, and today it's just a pile of piano keys." ¶